Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Knew She Was Dating a White Guy

by today's Urban Chameleon contributor

Today at work where I was producing a show I had a voice over artist come in to record a couple of scripts. I've worked with her before. Super sweet. Friendly. Down to earth. And a sister. I knew from a previous session that she was getting married this past weekend, so when I saw her today I congratulated her with a hug and the instinctual "do you have pictures?".

Thinking back to when she initially told me about her nuptial plans, I recall the question in my head, wondering if her then fiance was white. Not to intentionally be so presumptuous, but there does seem to be a crop of sisters who don't surprise me when I discover through their facebook photos that they're dating or married to a white dude. Shoot, my sister is married to a white dude. And, as you may have guessed, the lovely voice over artist is, in fact, now married to a white dude as well - as proven by the photo of the two of them kissing on their wedding day that she promptly presented me with on her cell phone. Her mom sent her that photo. Still waiting on the pocket size professional shots, I assume. I digress...

My point is, I've begun to identify a pattern of brown skin sisters marrying or shacking up with the whitest dudes in town. And it kind of bothers me...kind of... that I'm so very proud that I am a sista who dates the brothas, a conscious choice to continue to evolve Black love. Why was that so important? Because Black love (for me) was to be protected. It had survived slavery, separation, lost, blood, secrecy, identity crisis and complication and a whole host of other sh*t too deep for words so therefore its evolution was sacred to me. I can't deny that there is this inner dialog that goes something like this:

Me: Ohmigod girl you got marriage?! Do you have pictures just so I can confirm he's white?
Other sister: yeah, look! It was such a perfect day.
Me: mmm hmm. A white boy. I knew it. - oh, is that my MAN coming to surprise me at work? (Enter fine and kind chocolate brotha) yeah. He holds me down.

I guess I just feel like a white man couldn't ever fully understand me. Don't get it twisted, I've dated the other white meat. Aaaand it just wasn't a good fit for me. An unfilled hole or another way to put it - too many damn issues. I know its hard for Black women to find good Black men. The odds are definitely not in our favor especially when there's the Black men that just date white women. Did you see, even Xzibit is dating a white chic?! Yeah. X to tha Z. I definitely do not knock love when it's real. When it's healthy and strong. Love, afterall, is what binds us. It's the reason we're here and the reason we get out of bed in the morning. I just have my preference of what I will get out or better yet stay in bed for. And a gal's gotta have an inner dialog that makes her giggle.

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  1. "...just wasn't a good unfilled hole"

    Oh I see. Size matters, of course, but come on.

  2. I think my issue w/ your issue is that though I don't make presumptions about you for refusing to date men outside of your race, you judge women like me for deciding to do the opposite. I love my husband very, very, very much. He's awesome, we have a ton in common, and I consider him my soul mate. I dated tons of other guys both black and white who were not my soul mate before I met him. Meeting him was a relief. It was like, "Oh, here you are, the man I have been searching for. I just knew you were out there."

    So when our great love is whittled down to me just being one of those sisters that needs to be with a white man if she ever hopes to get married (as it is by seemingly every black blogger that only dates w/N their race and also by every media report covering the subject), it annoys me. My best male cousins are all married to wonderful black women. I consider their marriages and mine on the same playing field: founded in love and happiness -- not race.

    Anyways, I think there's more discussion to be had. So after several offline requests, I'm doing a whole themed week about interracial relationships at Fierce and Nerdy October 12th-15th. Stop by if you get a chance.

    And though it sounds like I didn't like your thoughtful and well-written article, just know that I did like it and appreciate you for starting a dialogue. This article also helped me organize my thoughts on the subject as others have not.

    Thanks! etc

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  4. Founded in love and happiness -- not race.