Showing posts with label interracial dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label interracial dating. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Jill Scott's 2 cents on Interracial Couples from Essence

There have been many different views shared on HOTUC about interracial dating, which underlines our mission to highlight the multifaceted perspectives of people of color.

see previous blog posts:

In continuing to share perspectives on interracial dating we recently came across Jill Scott's commentary on Essence.com

You know the moment when you realize that fine, accomplished brother is with a White woman? Let's call it "the wince." Three-time Grammy Award-winning artist, writer, actress, philanthropist, mother and all-around Renaissance woman, Jill Scott gets to the root of our feelings on the matter in the April issue of ESSENCE...


My new friend is handsome, African-American, intelligent and seemingly wealthy. He is an athlete, loves his momma, and is happily married to a White woman. I admit when I saw his wedding ring, I privately hoped. But something in me just knew he didn't marry a sister. Although my guess hit the mark, when my friend told me his wife was indeed Caucasian, I felt my spirit...wince. I didn't immediately understand it. My face read happy for you. My body showed no reaction to my inner pinch, but the sting was there, quiet like a mosquito under a summer dress.

Was I jealous? Did the reality of his relationship somehow diminish his soul's credibility? The answer is not simple. One could easily dispel the wince as racist or separatist, but that's not how I was brought up. I was reared in a Jehovah's Witness household. I was taught that every man should be judged by his deeds and not his color, and I firmly stand where my grandmother left me. African people worldwide are known to be welcoming and open-minded. We share our culture sometimes to our own peril and most of us love the very notion of love. My position is that for women of color, this very common "wince" has solely to do with the African story in America.

When our people were enslaved, "Massa" placed his Caucasian woman on a pedestal. She was spoiled, revered and angelic, while the Black slave woman was overworked, beaten, raped and farmed out like cattle to be mated. She was nothing and neither was our Black man. As slavery died for the greater good of America, and the movement for equality sputtered to life, the White woman was on the cover of every American magazine. She was the dazzling jewel on every movie screen, the glory of every commercial and television show. She was unequivocally the standard of
beauty for this country, firmly unattainable to anyone not of her race. We daughters of the dust were seen as ugly, nappy mammies, good for day work and unwanted children, while our men were thought to be thieving, sex-hungry animals with limited brain capacity.

We reflect on this awful past and recall that if a Black man even looked at a White woman, he would have been lynched, beaten, jailed or shot to death. In the midst of this, Black women and Black men struggled together, mourned together, starved together, braved the hoses and vicious police dogs and died untimely on southern back roads together. These harsh truths lead to what we really feel when we see a seemingly together brother with a Caucasian woman and their children. That feeling is betrayed. While we exert efforts to raise our sons and daughters to appreciate themselves and respect others, most of us end up doing this important work alone, with no fathers or like representatives, limited financial support (often court-enforced) and, on top of everything else, an empty bed. It's frustrating and it hurts!

Our minds do understand that people of all races find genuine love in many places. We dig that the world is full of amazing options. But underneath, there is a bite, no matter the ointment, that has yet to stop burning. Some may find these thoughts to be hurtful. That is not my intent. I'm just sayin'. /
source from essence.com


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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Zahara Jolie-Pitt and the Politics of Uncombed Hair

Urban Chameleon news

Newsweek

by Allison Samuels

A few years ago when actress Angelina Jolie announced she’d be adopting a 6-month-old girl from Africa, I had mixed emotions. I’ve always thought Jolie was one of the flyest chicks in the Hollywood game, but interracial adoptions can be a tricky thing no matter how fly you are.

I’d heard the horror stories around Hollywood about the adopted black children of white movie stars becoming incredibly confused about their backgrounds. For instance, during an interview with Oprah Winfrey a few years ago; Tom Cruise said his interracial son, Conner, was not a color, so the family didn’t discuss race.

Nice sentiment, but in the real world Conner is considered black. If not Cruise, then someone else will point that reality out to Connor with little hesitation. This is one major reason there has been such a hot national debate over interracial adoptions. The fear is that non-African-American parents won’t be able to raise black children with an understanding of who they are and what that means in mainstream society. Such an understanding is just as imperative as shelter and food if the child is to survive and thrive.

Up until recently, Angelina Jolie seemed to be doing a pretty decent job with Zahara Jolie Pitt—providing essential and expensive medical care, purchasing land in Zahara’s native Ethiopia with the plan to build a health center, providing a life of adventure and opportunity. Wonderful things indeed, but lately it seems Angelina has taken a page out of Tom Cruise’s book—and it all comes down to Zahara’s hair.

It’s no secret that black women and their hair have always had a very complicated relationship. In a society that values fine facial features and long silky, straight hair, African-Americans' sometimes kinky, fragile, and unruly hair can be the bane of a black woman’s existence if she allows it.

Hair is often the first thing others notice, be it the texture, length, fullness, or shine. In the African-American community it can also tell a story. It can indicate your background, lineage, and social standing. From slavery until today, skin color and hair texture played a large part in how the overall society viewed blacks and ultimately the way African-Americans saw themselves.

So a black woman has two options: either submit to damaging relaxers and hot combs, or keep hair natural—while still ensuring that it’s well conditioned, well combed, and in place. There are many legacies of black hair in America, but the most enduring is this: even those who eschew pursuing European-looking hair still take a tremendous amount of pride in looking well groomed and put together, and still need to devote time and energy to achieve this effect.

It’s no wonder that African-American women are the largest consumers of hair products, spending close to a billion dollars each year to control their hair. These same women passed down these perceived notions about hair to their daughters. They usually begin hot combing and braiding the child’s hair to take the kink out at an early age.

But even the mothers who spare the hot comb still have to put time and effort into keeping hair healthy: Any self-respecting black mother knows that she must comb, oil, and brush her daughter’s hair every night. This prevents the hair from matting up, drying out, and breaking off. It also prevents any older relatives from asking them why you’re neglecting your child and letting her run around looking like a wild woman. Having well-managed hair is not just about style, it’s about pride, dignity, and self-respect. Keeping your daughter’s hair neat is an unspoken rule of parental duties that everyone in the community recognizes and respects.
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Hair that is nice, neat, and cared for also gives African-American girls the confidence that they can fit into the world at large without being seen as completely different. One truism of childhood is that nothing is more important than being like everyone else. Well, as like everyone else as you can be with Hollywood parents. But not all people will recognize Zahara as the child of movie royalty. To many, she’ll be just a black little girl—and a black girl with bad hair at that.

In recent pictures it's clear Angelina Jolie hasn’t taken the time to learn or understand the long and painful history of African-American women and hair. If she had I can’t imagine she would continue to allow Zahara to look like she has in the past few months. Photos of Zahara show the 4-year-old girl sporting hair that is wild and unstyled, uncombed and dry. Basically: a “hot mess.’’

African American blogs and forums such as Media Takeout, Black Hair Media and even mainstream outlets like TMZ have been on fire the past few weeks demanding to know why Angelina won’t just comb Zahara’s hair? Each blog receives hundreds of e-mails every time they run a picture of the little girl with her hair uncombed. "I just hope that they realize she has different hair needs and find someone black who can keep her hair looking good,” said a commenter on Bossip.com. "Angie, if you can’t comb hair then get someone who can. This is ridiculous now. Your hair is always in place and so is Shiloh’s. Why does Zahara have to always look like she just woke up?" writes a commenter on TheFabLife.com.

This is not to say that critics want Angelina to perm or hot comb Zahara's hair. Not that 4-year-old African-American girls don't get their hair hot combed. I certainly did every Saturday for Sunday morning church. Instead, the majority of those writing in to the blogs say they just want Angelina to brush and oil the little girl's hair so it will be healthy and in shape.

Elaine Jones of the blog Womanist Musings says she’s been amazed at the number of angry e-mails directed at Jolie on this issue. “I mean I don’t deny Zahara could look better, but readers seemed to be mad that Angelina seems to have such little regard for something blacks consider sacred,” says Jones. "They act as though they take it personally that Zahara’s hair looks so bad and think it’s embarrassing for all black people. I think they expected more from Angelina.’’


Lisa Brown, a 35-year-old secretary from Dayton, Ohio, says she felt compelled to comment online about Zahara’s hair because she’s followed Zahara since the day Angelina brought her home.

“It just hurts my heart because I know that little girl won’t be even able to look at her baby pictures without being perplexed at how she looks and why,’’ says Brown. “She doesn’t know any better now, but she will once she gets into school and sees other little girls that look like her with combed and neat hair. She’s going to feel like the odd man out.’’

Brown says she worries that the little girl will one day resent her adopted mother.

“It would be a shame but not surprising,’’ says Brown. “Why adopt her if you’re not going to do your best to raise her to be confident and fulfilled. Other cultures might think this is petty, but trust me it isn’t for a young black girl.’’

In sharp contrast, Madonna, who adopted a little African girl earlier this year from Malawi, makes sure her daughter’s hair is either braided with beads or bows. Recent photos show the little girl modeling neatly done cornrows with white beads at the bottom—a la Venus and Serena Williams.

If Jolie needed even more inspiration, all she has to do is look toward the White House. First daughters Malia and Sasha don’t have stick-straight hair, but they do have their hair done in varying styles from day to day. Malia favors simple twists on her natural hair that allow her to run, swim, and play without worrying her hair will revert (puff up or kink up). Youngest daughter Sasha either wears her hair in braids, a ponytail, or loose curls.

In fairness, Jolie did hire Beyonce’s hairdresser Kim Kimble a few years back to care for Zahara’s hair, (a bit of overkill if you ask me—particularly since Beyonce mostly wears wigs and weaves) and Pitt has even said in interviews that they use Carol’s Daughter, a black hair-care line. But it seems the constant travel the family’s been doing over the past year has put issues like grooming on the back burner. For the record, Jolie’ daughter Shiloh isn’t exactly looking like much time is being given to her hair either. But she isn’t a little black girl being judged by mainstream standards.

There are those who say there is nothing wrong with Zahara’s hair at all, that her hair is in its natural state and that’s just fine. I say natural hair---afro, dreads, etc. is fine, if it’s maintained regularly or when the child is old enough to make that decision for herself. Until then, the child’s parents are responsible for their general care and upkeep. Zahara is not even old enough to know that her hair looks dry and damaged as it stands straight up on her head. But there will come a day when this beautiful little African girl will understand what it means to be an African-American woman in this society and realize unlike her younger sister, hers is not a wash-and-go world.

source Newsweek

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Least Favorite Myths About Interracial Dating

by today's Urban Chameleon contributor

etc from Fierce and Nerdy

One of the reasons I’ve been avoiding talking about being in an interracial relationship is because to me it’s no big deal, which is maybe the most surprising thing about being in an interracial relationship. Though neither CH nor I are average, our courtship wasn’t outside of the ordinary.

We met at a bar, then talked for a few moments at few different events, he asked me on a date, we fell in love, I moved in with him, and then he asked me to marry him in the privacy of our home after about a year of dating. Millions of people throughout history and across the world have this exact same courtship story.

Only thing is I’m black and he’s white.

However, I’ve noticed that the media and many black bloggers who both support and don’t support interracial relationships want to give my relationship a script that it simply does not have, so I wanted to spend the first day or our series dispelling three of those myths.

1. I don’t hate black men. I think a lot of people assume that if a black woman marries a white man that she must have been terribly hurt by a black man. For the record all of the black men I have dated have been lovely. A couple of them have also been on the marriage track. But none of them have been CH. I like CH better than any man of any color that I have ever dated. Period.

2. I didn’t settle because I was desperate for a husband. Now this is the myth that irritates me the most. Black men aren’t considered desperate for marriage when they marry white women. Asian women aren’t considered desperate for marriage when they marry white men. But somehow the media spins this story that black women who want to get married settle for white men because they can’t find a black man. Please don’t get it twisted; CH is awesome, and I am deeply in love with him. If you ask me who the best man I have ever known is, I will answer, CH. Without blinking. I have a lot in common, we have similar goals, and he is completely supportive of me. My friends have straight-up told me that I’ve become a better and 10x happier woman since meeting CH, and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, it’s scary. I think this myth is insulting to both black women and white men, who if the media and certain bloggers are to be believed, can’t simply fall in love for the usual romantic reasons.

3. I’m not less black because I’m in an IR relationship. I wish people would retire this notion all together. If you really think of black people in terms of “acting black” or “acting white,” then you probably haven’t met very many black people throughout the diaspora. Get a passport, hit a few countries, then come back and tell me I “act white.” Otherwise, I’m not even engaging in conversation with people who insist on thinking that if you marry outside your race, speak English as taught in school, and have white friends, then you “want to be white.” That’s just a frustrating and ignorant viewpoint.

Having spoken on those myths, I am aware that there are two big elephants in the room that I haven’t tackled: We’ll get into “Black Love” on Wednesday. And though I’ve spoken here about how straight forward being in an IR is, I’m not going to lie, it is different from same-race relationships in a lot of ways — we’ll get into that on Thursday.

Until then, please weigh in on these myths that I’ve listed above and feel free to add some of your own if you’re also in an IR.

Best!

etc

visit Fierce and Nerdy

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Friday, October 16, 2009

Interracial Couple Denied Marriage

Urban Chameleon news

When will people realize that love has no color.

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (CNN) -- Civil rights advocates in eastern Louisiana are calling for a justice of the peace of Tangipahoa Parish to resign after he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple.

"He's an elected public official and one of his duties is to marry people. He doesn't have the right to say he doesn't believe in it," Patricia Morris, president of the NAACP branch of Tangipahoa Parish, located near the Mississippi line, said Thursday.


"If he doesn't do what his position calls for him to do, he should resign from that position."

The demands for Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace for Tangipahoa Parish's 8th Ward, to step down came after he wouldn't issue a marriage license to Beth Humphrey, 30, and her boyfriend, Terence McKay, 32, both of Hammond.

"I was just really shocked, because he's an elected official," Humphrey said.

Bardwell didn't immediately return calls from CNN on Thursday.

However, Bardwell told Hammond's Daily Star newspaper that he was concerned for the children who might be born of the relationship and that, in his experience, most interracial marriages don't last.


"I'm not a racist," Bardwell told the newspaper. "I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house. My main concern is for the children."


Bardwell, stressing that he couldn't personally endorse the marriage, said his wife referred the couple to another justice of the peace.


The bride says the case boils down to discrimination. Humphrey told CNN that she called Bardwell on October 6 to ask about getting a marriage license, and was asked by his wife whether it would be an interracial marriage. Humphrey said she was told that Bardwell does not sign off on interracial marriages.

She said the couple -- who received their marriage license October 9 from another justice of the peace in the same parish -- have reached out to an attorney to determine their next step.


"We would like him to resign," she said. "He doesn't believe he's being racist, but it is racist."

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Morris told CNN that her NAACP chapter has forwarded the case to the state and national levels of the civil rights group.


According to the Census Bureau, Tangipahoa Parish is about 70 percent white and 30 percent black.

source from cnn.com

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I Knew She Was Dating a White Guy

by today's Urban Chameleon contributor

Today at work where I was producing a show I had a voice over artist come in to record a couple of scripts. I've worked with her before. Super sweet. Friendly. Down to earth. And a sister. I knew from a previous session that she was getting married this past weekend, so when I saw her today I congratulated her with a hug and the instinctual "do you have pictures?".

Thinking back to when she initially told me about her nuptial plans, I recall the question in my head, wondering if her then fiance was white. Not to intentionally be so presumptuous, but there does seem to be a crop of sisters who don't surprise me when I discover through their facebook photos that they're dating or married to a white dude. Shoot, my sister is married to a white dude. And, as you may have guessed, the lovely voice over artist is, in fact, now married to a white dude as well - as proven by the photo of the two of them kissing on their wedding day that she promptly presented me with on her cell phone. Her mom sent her that photo. Still waiting on the pocket size professional shots, I assume. I digress...

My point is, I've begun to identify a pattern of brown skin sisters marrying or shacking up with the whitest dudes in town. And it kind of bothers me...kind of... that I'm so very proud that I am a sista who dates the brothas, a conscious choice to continue to evolve Black love. Why was that so important? Because Black love (for me) was to be protected. It had survived slavery, separation, lost, blood, secrecy, identity crisis and complication and a whole host of other sh*t too deep for words so therefore its evolution was sacred to me. I can't deny that there is this inner dialog that goes something like this:

Me: Ohmigod girl you got marriage?! Do you have pictures just so I can confirm he's white?
Other sister: yeah, look! It was such a perfect day.
Me: mmm hmm. A white boy. I knew it. - oh, is that my MAN coming to surprise me at work? (Enter fine and kind chocolate brotha) yeah. He holds me down.
(grin)

I guess I just feel like a white man couldn't ever fully understand me. Don't get it twisted, I've dated the other white meat. Aaaand it just wasn't a good fit for me. An unfilled hole or another way to put it - too many damn issues. I know its hard for Black women to find good Black men. The odds are definitely not in our favor especially when there's the Black men that just date white women. Did you see, even Xzibit is dating a white chic?! Yeah. X to tha Z. I definitely do not knock love when it's real. When it's healthy and strong. Love, afterall, is what binds us. It's the reason we're here and the reason we get out of bed in the morning. I just have my preference of what I will get out or better yet stay in bed for. And a gal's gotta have an inner dialog that makes her giggle.

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