Is race specific love keeping some of us from finding true love?

by today's Urban Chameleon contributor

I had to ask my mom where the concept of “Black love” came from. From what she could recall, “Black love” was born around the same time as “Black power”. At the time, significant power was in place to keep the Black community disenfranchised and so the idea was to unify in order to overcome oppression and gain basic human rights. Although times have changed, “Black love” still seems to be like a hot pair of shoes on a Neiman Marcus sale rack and I wondered if it’s still as imperative as it once was.

On several occasions, I've had friends pass up what looked like good love in hopes of finding “Black love.” For them Michelle and Barack Obama's relationship is a beacon of light that they spend their days tanning under. Some friends have been waiting years to meet the right one and have teased me for going out on dates with guys who weren’t Black. Although I haven’t met the right one yet, I’ve opened my mind and heart to the possibility of love and as a result have tasted food I probably never would have tried, traveled to places I might have never known, and learned things about cultures outside of my own making me even more of an Urban Chameleon. Meanwhile, those same friends seem to be missing out on life waiting for Obama’s twin brother to show up. It’s bad enough that most of us as young girls are disillusioned by the idea of Prince Charming sweeping us off our feet only to grow up to arguments over money, sex, and a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t a part of the fantasy. If the best Prince Charming real life can deliver us shows up...should we send him or her away just because they’re not of a certain race?

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Funnel Cake Flowers comments on our obsession with "BLACK LOVE"

"Is my search for Black love or any other kind of love keeping me from find love?"

FCF: Is the Black woman too intense for the Black man? The viral video Black Marriage Negotiations reiterated media’s obsession over Black Women’s relationship status. The conversation across the board seems to be around Black women desperately searching for Black love but complaining how there are no good Black men. I know I reconsidered dating outside the race especially after watching Tyler Perry’s film For Colored Girls. Frightened by that kind of Black love, I immediately ran to sign up for the online Jewish matching making site Jdate. I met this man who was clearly not afraid of a good time and although the relationship ended after him not wanting to bring me home to his mama, I realized that dating outside the race also has its issues. However, the key take away here is not only did me and Habad have a damn good time at the West Indian Labor Day Parade but that I took the first step towards love and not race. Should the question that we be asking ourselves, is my search for Black love or any specific love keeping me from love ...or from getting laid. I know one thing’s for sure…it’s complicated. I’m Funnel Cake Flowers your Urban Chameleon news reporter from Tickles.TV

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Black Marriage Negotiations' webseries hitting a sensitive spot?

by today's Urban Chameleon contributor

My wife and I have had endless conversations about women’s standards not just being too high but unrealistic when it comes to men. I have seen many of her friends overlook a great opportunity in front of them because it wasn’t “packaged right.” Somewhere along the way women got an idea in their mind of the perfect man and the perfect relationship but I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t exist. Allow yourself to create a connection based on a connection than work out the packaging.

Read The Root’s interview with the creator of Black Negotiations, Darroll Lawson.

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Are Black Women Too Lazy to Find True Love?

By today's Urban Chameleon contributor Sibil

The question could be asked of women from all races but I’ve chosen to specifically focus on a group that continues to be questioned about their potential to find true love: Black women.

The other day I caught the CNN interview with Helene Andrews, the author of Bitch is the New Black, discussing being young, Black, successful and single. I thought to myself: Oh lawd, they done brought our issues into the lime light. But then again I always complain about major media not covering the spectrum of our issues so I checked myself for complaining out of habit and tuned into the program.

Although it was an obvious plug for us to purchase Helene’s book (and why shouldn’t we) I was intrigued by this 29yr old author’s rant about life and love and what made the interview even more interesting was her mother, who was also on the show, talked about being a lesbian. Talk about some topics of discussion you don’t hear about every day through a major news source. I started thinking more about why there continues to be so much focus on Black women’s capability to find love.

At the Harvard Black Alumni BBQ in prospect park a couple of weeks ago, I got into a discussion with a group of Black women about not being able to find “a good Black man.” One woman noticed the ring on my finger and asked if I was married to which I replied, “Yes for 5 years but we’ve know each other for 11years, we met in college.”

Everyone’s interest was peaked and wanted to know how I had “locked him down.” I told them that it was actually his idea. We had gone away on a trip one New Years and when talking about our resolutions for the up coming year he said that he wanted to get married. I was cool either way, I had grown up with two parents who never traditionally tied the knot so I naturally inherited the philosophy that if he liked it, he didn’t necessarily need to put a ring on it. But later that year he sho ‘nough proposed.

The women all ooh’d and ahh’d and then one asked if he had a clone or at least a brother she could be introduced to. Another one stated that they just don’t make men like that any more, as if I had taken the last prize out of the cereal box. Hold up I had to tell them, this 11yr relationship hasn’t just been a walk in the park ladies. This is not Morris Chestnut rolling up in a chariot with a bouquet of red roses. This 11yr relationship consisted of 5 break ups in our first year, moving across the country to be together, several door slams, silent treatments, girlfriend therapy, two reads of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus sent by my mother for relationship counseling, and to this day STILL having to work on communication. Not to mention when I first met my husband he thought fine dining met going to Red Lobster or as he calls it Red Lizzy’s. Now, I have to manage how many times my husband tries to order Osso Buco per month to keep from putting us into debt.

My husband once said to me that women have to change men. Look at what Victoria Beckham did for David. That man is now an international sex symbol as a result of his wife’s make over. I can’t even front I’ve been guilty of dissin’ a guy for wearing Karl Kani or something not from this time period. Maybe Mr. right is dressed all wrong, but so many women would never know. One of the women said she felt me but what if after putting in all that work the man still doesn’t commit. Then some other woman gets to enjoy the fruits of her labor? Now in all fairness I met my husband before things like marriage and biological clocks ticking was ever a thought. After mulling that question over, I answered: Yeah, but what if another woman put in that same work for you?

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Best Friend’s Past Could Be Your Future

by Aireka Muse

Your girlfriends ex boyfriend, is he fair game?

Regardless of the horrible statistics about black women and dating, when it comes to finding a partner, there are just not enough of us educated, professional black people to go around. As a black female, I try not to focus on the numbers and stay positive and open. As we saw with Helena Andrews, being black, bitchy, and bitter, gets you nowhere. With all the hype about online dating, I still believe in finding love the old traditional way, meeting someone randomly, and feeling that spark. Therefore, I was more than pleased to hear that recent study found there is a 70% chance of finding your life partner through social circles.

As James Fowler, PhD states in his book; Connected, The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, if you have 20 friends and they each have 20 friends, one of those people are likely to be your future spouse. The obvious logical reasoning behind this is that we tend to hang around like-minded people. College educated folks, hang with college educated folks. Artists tend to have artist friends. In each little female clique, most friends talk the same, often dress the same, and carry the same morals. Similar people coming in different packages. If this is the case, then I am led to a more controversial question, if we are more likely to find our potential life partners within our social circles, are we limiting our dating potential by calling ex lover’s off limits?

Now hear me out first before you get upset. I am not at all suggesting that your best friend’s boyfriend that she dated for 10 years or your boy’s girl that left him at the alter is fair game. I am suggesting, maybe that guy that you went out with a couple times, but just didn’t have that connection with, could possibly be a better match for your best friend. Or your girl’s two-year relationship that “just didn’t work out” could possibly be a perfect match for you.

Regardless of the “black female dilemma” I’ve heard black men suggest finding Mrs. Right can be hard too. The Champ at www.verysmartbrothas.com mentions “the process of finding an available, attractive, and compatible mate can be just as baffling, confusing, frustrating, disheartening, and even occasionally depressing”. Finding compatibility is different from a numbers game. Numbers give you more chances but it also gives you more opportunities to get it wrong. Why not search where you know you are most likely going to find what you are looking for? If you are a size 20, you by pass Forever 21 and go straight to Lane Bryant. If you love sneakers, the last place you need to shop is Charles David.

I’ve played the same “what if” scenario with my girlfriends and I always get the same response. What if you were happily married, and one of your friends became acquainted with an ex. Would you give your blessing? “Hell no”, “No way”, “ Seriously?” are the various replies that I always get. We see our past loves as possessions, something sacred to us and only us, even if we have successfully moved on. But I have always had a different perspective on this. If I tried, and it didn’t work out, more power to you girlfriend! Who am I to stop possible love? Especially when I have been there and done that and know that is definitely not for me.

Recently, I went out on a date. The guy was nice, educated but just not for me. He felt the exact same way. When I came home, I called my good friend that I thought he would be perfect for and asked if I could hook her up. She was appalled and declined because I already went out with him. One hour at a café was all that I spent with this man. Could we possibly be holding up dating rules and regulations that could be blocking us from finding the perfect mate?

I bet if we all just took a second and thumbed through our mental rolodex we probably could find a past hook up or love that could be a really good match for a friend. Can we be mature enough to put our ego aside and hook up a friend? Think about it, it could most likely be a better situation then imagined. Have you ever been in an argument with a lover or wondered what he or she was thinking? Wouldn’t it be beneficial to turn to someone for advice who actually knew exactly with what you were dealing with?

As the old saying goes, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”. It’s worked for eBay and Craig’s list, maybe it will work for our dating life. For the majority of us, love is literally just around the corner, we just have to be willing to receive it. Let’s not miss out.

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Jill Scott's 2 cents on Interracial Couples from Essence

There have been many different views shared on HOTUC about interracial dating, which underlines our mission to highlight the multifaceted perspectives of people of color.

see previous blog posts:

I knew She Was Dating A White Guy

My Least Favorite Myths About Interracial Dating

I Don't Care About White Love

In continuing to share perspectives on interracial dating we recently came across Jill Scott's commentary on Essence.com

You know the moment when you realize that fine, accomplished brother is with a White woman? Let's call it "the wince." Three-time Grammy Award-winning artist, writer, actress, philanthropist, mother and all-around Renaissance woman, Jill Scott gets to the root of our feelings on the matter in the April issue of ESSENCE...

My new friend is handsome, African-American, intelligent and seemingly wealthy. He is an athlete, loves his momma, and is happily married to a White woman. I admit when I saw his wedding ring, I privately hoped. But something in me just knew he didn't marry a sister. Although my guess hit the mark, when my friend told me his wife was indeed Caucasian, I felt my spirit...wince. I didn't immediately understand it. My face read happy for you. My body showed no reaction to my inner pinch, but the sting was there, quiet like a mosquito under a summer dress.

Was I jealous? Did the reality of his relationship somehow diminish his soul's credibility? The answer is not simple. One could easily dispel the wince as racist or separatist, but that's not how I was brought up. I was reared in a Jehovah's Witness household. I was taught that every man should be judged by his deeds and not his color, and I firmly stand where my grandmother left me. African people worldwide are known to be welcoming and open-minded. We share our culture sometimes to our own peril and most of us love the very notion of love. My position is that for women of color, this very common "wince" has solely to do with the African story in America.

When our people were enslaved, "Massa" placed his Caucasian woman on a pedestal. She was spoiled, revered and angelic, while the Black slave woman was overworked, beaten, raped and farmed out like cattle to be mated. She was nothing and neither was our Black man. As slavery died for the greater good of America, and the movement for equality sputtered to life, the White woman was on the cover of every American magazine. She was the dazzling jewel on every movie screen, the glory of every commercial and television show. She was unequivocally the standard of beauty for this country, firmly unattainable to anyone not of her race. We daughters of the dust were seen as ugly, nappy mammies, good for day work and unwanted children, while our men were thought to be thieving, sex-hungry animals with limited brain capacity.

We reflect on this awful past and recall that if a Black man even looked at a White woman, he would have been lynched, beaten, jailed or shot to death. In the midst of this, Black women and Black men struggled together, mourned together, starved together, braved the hoses and vicious police dogs and died untimely on southern back roads together. These harsh truths lead to what we really feel when we see a seemingly together brother with a Caucasian woman and their children. That feeling is betrayed. While we exert efforts to raise our sons and daughters to appreciate themselves and respect others, most of us end up doing this important work alone, with no fathers or like representatives, limited financial support (often court-enforced) and, on top of everything else, an empty bed. It's frustrating and it hurts!

Our minds do understand that people of all races find genuine love in many places. We dig that the world is full of amazing options. But underneath, there is a bite, no matter the ointment, that has yet to stop burning. Some may find these thoughts to be hurtful. That is not my intent. I'm just sayin'. /source from essence.com

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Successful, black and lonely: Bitch is the New Black

Urban Chameleon news

from the Washington Post
D.C. author's tale of young black women's loneliness catches Hollywood's ear
By DeNeen L. Brown Washington Post Staff Writer


Helena Andrews is 29, single, living in D.C., and might be the star of a black "Sex and the City" -- stylish, beautiful and a writer desperately in search of love in the city. Andrews's life appears charmed: The film rights for her memoir, "Bitch Is the New Black," a satirical look at successful young black women living in Washington, were purchased before the book was finished. Shonda Rhimes, the executive producer of "Grey's Anatomy," is set to produce the film and Andrews will write the screenplay. When Andrews pitched the book, she described it as part "Bridget Jones's Diary," part "Sex and the City." The book is to be published in June by Harper Collins. "What I am trying to say about single black women in any urban environment is, you don't know them as well as you think you do. They may not know themselves as well as they think they do," Andrews says, seated at a table with a white tablecloth in a restaurant on U Street. Her appearance is flawless: She is wearing an ivory blazer and skinny jeans, her movie-star eyes glisten with shadow and her hair is cut in a fresh bob. Perfect. Image is everything. And it means nothing. "The book was a time for me to step back and reflect," to capture the internal dialogue and the dialogue with girlfriends who are "caught in a quarter-life crisis." She is not talking about all young black women, but some. Revealing a story not oft told. A lot of black women put up an exterior that says: "Everything is together. 'I'm fine. Perfect. Don't worry about me. Keep it moving.' That is the trend," Andrews says. "Put on new stilettos. Put on a mask of bitchiness." But that image -- prevalent in both the media and the workplace, Andrews believes -- is one-dimensional. "When people think about black women, they have only one adjective for us, which is 'strong,' " Andrews says. "The girl you see walking down the street looks like she has it all together," but she may not. A journalist who has written for Politico and The Root, Andrews says her book attempts to reveal what's behind the veneer. In a series of essays, Andrews documents the lives of so many young black women who appear to have everything: looks, charm, Ivy League degrees, great jobs. Closets packed full of fabulous clothes; fabulous condos in fabulous gentrified neighborhoods; fabulous vacations, fabulous friends. And yet they are lonely: Their lives are repetitive, desperate and empty. They are post-racial feminists who have come of age reaping the benefits of both the civil rights movement and the women's movement, then asking quietly: What next? "Gone are the [college] days when friends are an elevator ride away, dinner plans are made on the way to somebody's hall, and Thursday is Friday or Friday is Thursday (who cares, you'll figure it out in Philosophy C203)," Andrews writes. "Soon enough, the little old lady living in a shoe is you -- and the rent is effin' unbelievable, and nobody comes to visit because you're too far from the Metro. Adulthood comes in little jigsaw pieces. Once the painstaking work of fitting them all together is done, the picture doesn't look nearly as cool as it did on the box." Andrews writes about what it is like for a young, black woman dating in D.C., trying to find a mate who seems ever elusive. The futile rituals are familiar: the dressing up, the eager cab ride over to the party, the hold-your-breath as you walk in, scanning the room quickly for any looks returned. The mantra sounding in the back of your head: "So-and-so found a man last year at a party like this. Maybe tonight is my night." Then one by one, the men prove to be disappointments and disappointing: married, uninteresting or uninterested. The disappointment as you end up at the bar once again, committing straw violence in your drink (stirring the drink frantically and unconsciously). Andrews writes the truth of those nights. The truth is for too many, they never work out. Not for Andrews and not for her friend, Gina, who is a prominent character in her life and in the book. "For a lot of black women, especially young successful black women, we have a lot of boxes on our master plan list checked off," Andrews says. "We think happiness should come immediately after that. But that is not always the case." Love is much too hard to find and when these women do, it may go all wrong because of issues that are too complicated for statistics, Andrews says. She is quick to say, "There are tons of black families who are healthy and good." Even so, black women are more likely than white women to grow up poor or otherwise struggling financially; to be fatherless and to experience a myriad of other societal and/or familial dysfunctions. Ironically, the "issues" can also include being a "strong" woman: the can-do, opinionated type many black women become after growing up in a matriarchal household, the type with whom some men still just can't deal. "I have tons of friends who are extremely successful lawyers and lobbyists, staffers on the Hill. They are great at what they do. They are in their late 20s and early 30s," Andrews says, sipping Ethiopian coffee. Her dog, Miles, is sitting beneath the restaurant table, whining softly. "But there is loneliness at their jobs, because most likely they are the only black person there and people treat them like they are the only black person there. They dress a certain way. They go out on the weekend. . . . And still they end up going home, and it's you and your damned dog."
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Is Black Love Still Something to Care About?

by today's Urban Chameleon contributor Treasure

Anytime someone gives praise to “Black love” I can’t help but chuckle because the term sounds dated plus we don’t acknowledge any other culture’s love like, “Oooh look at that couple walking down the street holding hands that is some real Asian love right there” and we damn sure aint neva heard of someone celebrating white love (have you checked out : I Don’t Care About White love?).

Therefore why does Black love get it’s own hand clap?

Looking back, Black love like Black Power was born during a time when Black people needed to define their own existence in a society that excluded them. Given the challenges that a Black man and woman were faced with the idea of the two coming together as a couple let alone staying together was a symbol of strength in the community and surely something to be celebrated. As times have changed and Black people can now sit in the front of the bus and even run a country does the term Back love still have relevancy? Another way to think about this is do the mechanics of making a Black relationship work any more difficult than any other romantic relationship?

Some would say hell to the MUTHAFREAKIN YEA!

Although “Blackness” has been more integrated into society the residue of initial oppression still resides in the DNA, causing one hell of a dynamic of how the men and women can relate to each other. This evolution is speculated to have began during slavery when Black men were completely emasculated in front of their community and more importantly women. This would effect how the two would go on to love, love each other and their children and so was born a perpetuated cycle of dysfunction. It’s no secret that a lot of members of Black families have had to make conscious decisions to break patterns of abuse, which stem from miss placed anger and learn to love healthily.

A lot of Black women today talk about being exhausted by their relationships with Black men as a result of taking on the role of being the “fixer” the fixer of both his and her problems. On the flip side a lot of Black men talk about being exhausted by Black women’s over bearing and aggressive nature, which hurts more than heals. There is still a level of emasculation that many Black men feel today with in society not to mention if they’re with a woman who is financially doing better than them this may cause even more imbalance. In a nutshell, Black women may mean well by trying to make everything right but in the process may ended up stepping on the man’s role and so the dysfunctional love continues.

What becomes even more complex is as Black people, in specific, continue to evolve the ideas of “community” change. Although we’ve come as far as having a Black president many Black communities still need developing, conversations on racism are not over as it is still a fight to be understood and accepted. How this affects “Black love” is that many Black people still look to this union as representing strength and advancement. Some would argue that these people are stuck in a time warp for love is love and should be unattached to color. It’s the irony that comes along with race progress. Some have progressed so much that they don’t need Black love to represent cultural strength and some still need the image to achieve it.

Nia Long was on Wendy Williams the other day talking about her son who attends a predominantly white private school. Wendy asked her, does he know what kind of woman he likes? Nia said that he likes what’s at school because that’s what he’s surrounded by but that she is working on exposing him to Black women and Black beauty however she’s fine with who ever he ends up falling in love with. The reality is images do create culture and it’s something to be conscious of when helping young people to shape ideas.

Regardless of what color of love you find always remember to celebrate real love first and hey if it happens to be Black Love, power to the people.

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My Least Favorite Myths About Interracial Dating

by today's Urban Chameleon contributor

etc from Fierce and Nerdy

One of the reasons I’ve been avoiding talking about being in an interracial relationship is because to me it’s no big deal, which is maybe the most surprising thing about being in an interracial relationship. Though neither CH nor I are average, our courtship wasn’t outside of the ordinary.

We met at a bar, then talked for a few moments at few different events, he asked me on a date, we fell in love, I moved in with him, and then he asked me to marry him in the privacy of our home after about a year of dating. Millions of people throughout history and across the world have this exact same courtship story.

Only thing is I’m black and he’s white.

However, I’ve noticed that the media and many black bloggers who both support and don’t support interracial relationships want to give my relationship a script that it simply does not have, so I wanted to spend the first day or our series dispelling three of those myths.

1. I don’t hate black men. I think a lot of people assume that if a black woman marries a white man that she must have been terribly hurt by a black man. For the record all of the black men I have dated have been lovely. A couple of them have also been on the marriage track. But none of them have been CH. I like CH better than any man of any color that I have ever dated. Period.

2. I didn’t settle because I was desperate for a husband. Now this is the myth that irritates me the most. Black men aren’t considered desperate for marriage when they marry white women. Asian women aren’t considered desperate for marriage when they marry white men. But somehow the media spins this story that black women who want to get married settle for white men because they can’t find a black man. Please don’t get it twisted; CH is awesome, and I am deeply in love with him. If you ask me who the best man I have ever known is, I will answer, CH. Without blinking. I have a lot in common, we have similar goals, and he is completely supportive of me. My friends have straight-up told me that I’ve become a better and 10x happier woman since meeting CH, and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, it’s scary. I think this myth is insulting to both black women and white men, who if the media and certain bloggers are to be believed, can’t simply fall in love for the usual romantic reasons.

3. I’m not less black because I’m in an IR relationship. I wish people would retire this notion all together. If you really think of black people in terms of “acting black” or “acting white,” then you probably haven’t met very many black people throughout the diaspora. Get a passport, hit a few countries, then come back and tell me I “act white.” Otherwise, I’m not even engaging in conversation with people who insist on thinking that if you marry outside your race, speak English as taught in school, and have white friends, then you “want to be white.” That’s just a frustrating and ignorant viewpoint.

Having spoken on those myths, I am aware that there are two big elephants in the room that I haven’t tackled: We’ll get into “Black Love” on Wednesday. And though I’ve spoken here about how straight forward being in an IR is, I’m not going to lie, it is different from same-race relationships in a lot of ways — we’ll get into that on Thursday.

Until then, please weigh in on these myths that I’ve listed above and feel free to add some of your own if you’re also in an IR.

Best!

etc

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A glowing 'Portrait' of the Obamas' rock-solid marriage

Urban Chameleon news

A biography out Tuesday on Michelle and Barack's relationship. Like most couples, they've had their rough spots.

source: USA Today
article by Craig Wilson

Christopher Andersen interviewed more than 200 people for an intimate look at the pair in Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage (William Morrow, $25.99).
Andersen, 60, a former senior editor at People magazine and author of 29 biographies, including The Day Diana Died, calls his new book "a positive story. A love story."
The White House had no comment.
"What's odd is that our first non-white first family is really the most all-American, down-to-earth couple we've ever had in the White House," Andersen said in an interview with USA TODAY. "They're comfortable in their own skins."
But they've had bumps along the way.
Left alone for long periods of time while her husband built his political career, Michelle Obama grew frustrated, Andersen says. "I think she could have walked at one point. She felt abandoned."
One thing that brought the couple back together was when daughter Sasha, now 8, was diagnosed with life-threatening spinal meningitis as an infant. She recovered.
And once Michelle, 45, decided there was no stopping the Obama bandwagon, she jumped on, Andersen says.
"She's the reason he is where he is," the author says. "She taught him how to be an effective politician to punch harder against Hillary, for instance."
Andersen also says Michelle Obama is "wary" of the Clintons, and that's why Hillary wasn't the vice presidential candidate: "Michelle didn't want the Clintons down the hall."

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